Day 10

Look what I found in the bargain bin at the evil big box store that shall not be named in this blog.

Amazon lists this book for $15.95 but I got it for (*drum roll*)

50 cents!

It had the silliest name of a self help book I'd ever read. Of course, for that price I had to own it. I also bought a book of mad libs, two sudoku books and a crossword puzzle for the long trip to Idaho. 

Since the crossword puzzles turned out to be impossible (Who is Alan Ladd anyway?) I started reading my bargain book. It turns out this book is a little gem.

 Ilene Beckerman is a humorist who didn't start writing professionally until her sixties. This book is a series of letters (she never sent) to beauty icons and to her teenage granddaughter about her personal (and funny) struggle with beauty, after she is invited to her sixth grade class reunion. It's written in an anecdotal way so it takes about an hour to read the whole thing cover to cover. And it is funny. 

It has great stuff it in, like this:

"My fourth-grade teacher, Miss Crystal, had eyebrows that met in the middle.

Miss Crystal never got married. That's what happens when your eyebrows meet in the middle. 

Unless, of course you're Frida Kahlo."-- Ilene Beckerman, Makeovers at the Beauty Counter of Happiness. 

I went back to the crossword puzzles later during a traffic jam in Boise. I didn't get very far. The pop culture references were all from 1964. 

Days 7, 8, and 9- My Summer vacation

Hello Blog world. It's been so long. I've finally broken my internet fast and am ready to bring you up to speed. I've just returned from my annual family summer vacation. Do you want to know what I did? 

Well . . . 

For the first four days of our trip we stayed in Park City, Utah. It's changed so much I hardly recognize the place. Man, do I miss my old stomping grounds on the backside of the Wasatch Mountain Range. Sigh. All kids should be so lucky to grow up in such a place. 

The Norse God and I took the kids to my old house. It's now a historic preservation site so it hasn't changed a bit. Alas, I don't have a picture to share. TNG photographed the whole vaycay. Unfortunately, he left the camera somewhere along the Payette River. (More on the Payette later.)  

All the pics were lost, which sucks big, sucky rocks since I'd catalogued some really cool stuff I was super psyched to share. I'm still hoping we'll find it, but at this point, it doesn't look good. 

Anyway, we stayed here. And I cannot rave enough about the Newpark Hotel. Holy Cow! 

It's hands down the nicest place I've ever stayed, at least with the children. Picture this: A huge two bedroom condo, with a separate master suite, two bathrooms with the biggest soaker tubs I'd ever seen, a fully stocked kitchen with the latest kitchen appliances, divine linens and bedding, a living/dining room, washer and dryer, LCD televisions in every room and a hot tub on the deck that overlooks a shopping complex below.

Did I mention the daily maid service? The immaculate gym? And the indoor/outdoor swimming pool we had to ourselves almost our entire stay? It was amazing. 

TNG and I promised ourselves we'd go back soon, just the two of us. Even though The Newpark was super kid friendly, it would be sheer heaven as a place for an extended weekend date. If you stay here, splurge and go for a suite with a hot tub on the balcony, then you can see all the action in the nature preserve and complex below. They offer little one bedroom suites, but you want a two bedroom, trust me. Here's a promo video I found on youtube. I know it's not as fantastic as the photos I had to share but it will give you a good idea of what the place was like, in a promotional "stay here" kind of way. You'll see a clip of the balconies. We stayed on the top floor in the balcony on the corner overlooking the complex below. 

But that is not the best part. We were three stories above the best gelato store in Utah and Kneaders Bakery. 

Dolcetti Gelato boasts the only hand made gelato in the state. I had apricot, lavender honey and vanilla bean. They rotate their menu daily depending on seasonal ingredients. You'll understand why I had to go back three times. And how can I possibly pick a favorite treat at Kneaders Bakery? Everything on the menu is to die for, but if you can't decide I highly recommend the Spice Cake with brown sugar icing. Or the Fruit Tart, piled high with fresh cream and berries on a delicate shortbread crust, or maybe the Key Lime Pie, perfectly balanced between sweet and tart. Oh, and the French Toast with cinnamon syrup is not to be missed! Remember food is a serious obsession of mine. 

We did a little school shopping, wandered through the shops in Old Park City, where I found the most divine balsamic vinegar and olive oil of my life, and in the evenings, lounged in the pool. (I'm still hoping to find the photo's from this portion of our trip—fingers crossed—I'll have some for you soon.)

I've really been trying to just enjoy the moment, live in the present, be at peace with where I am and what I am doing. Can I just say it made the entire experience that much more fabulous? 

But that was only the beginning. Wednesday morning we were on our way to Garden Valley Idaho for phase two of our grand summer adventure. 

Day 7

If you can at all relate to this:

"The years of coming home from school and wandering from empty room to empty room. I would sit on the beige-velvet couch and stare at the still-life painting . . . I would go into the kitchen and open the refrigerator door, close it, and then open it. Close it. Open it. Eat. I would walk into my mother's bedroom and smell the traces of Joy perfume, open her jewelry drawer, pick up a pair of gold hoop earrings and hold them to my ears. I would smile at myself in the mirror, pretend that I was at a party, say hello and raise my eyebrows."

It continues . . .

"I wanted my mother. I wanted my father to come home for dinner and tell my mother that she was pretty and that he loved her. I wanted my mother to come home for dinner and tell me that I was pretty and that she loved me. I wanted her to tell me that our world was not going to fly apart at any moment and that I could stop trying so hard to be good. "

Or this:

"My mom was sickly . . . so I became a caretaker at an early age. I was cooking Sunday dinners for all of [my dad and five siblings] when I was eight years old. This was the only time I received praise from Daddy, so I did more and more cooking, cleaning, babysitting--waiting like a dry sponge for something to soak up and make me feel useful, valid, like I deserved to be alive . . . I've been taking care of people since I was five years old,  [Don't ask me to take care of myself]. If I have to take care of one more person I am going to crack."

Then buy this book right now! 

I was very apprehensive to read it. The title sounded so cheesy.

What can I say? This book is amazing. Well, it sort of depends on your definition of amazing. I've already burst into tears four times (and I'm only on page 51) it strikes such a cord. Wow, is it helping me evaluate my own relationship with food, love and loss. Please, PLEASE read it, if you're an overeater, or an under-eater or if you've ever turned to food, or any other compulsive behaviors for emotional support. I think it could be a life changer.

I'm going on an internet fast for a few days. I'm going to finish reading this book and this one. I'll be back in a week with a full book report. You should read them too. I mean it. Go to your book store, library, favorite book lover's house and snatch them both up. We'll chat when I get back.

Love,

K

Day 6

Guess what I'm doing? 

It's called the Cabarton Run in Idaho. And I'm doing it in my own boat!  Doesn't it look fun?! Thanks to TheDarwinK for the video! Wish me luck.

Day 5

It's only been five days and I've already learned something significant about myself. I care too much about too many things. So, as a means to lighten my load—emotionally speaking—I am turning off my comments. I just care too much about what you have to say—or don't say for that matter— and that is no way to get to know myself. 

So, I'm officially, for real, turning this into an online journal.
*Eep*

 Because I think it might be easier to be honest if my voice is the only one I hear. 

I love you all and do hope you keep reading. But for now the comment board needs to be dark.

Hugs to you all!

K. 

Day 4

Today was a step backward on the road to self discovery.
Why? 

Three words:
Mint Grasshopper Pie 

Need I say more? 

Day 3

Dear Mary,


Thank you for your concern. I so appreciate your empathy. But your comments made me wonder if I needed to make a few clarifications about the journey I'm sharing. Perhaps I wasn't as clear as I would have liked and now I need to offer an explanation. 


In February, I received an email. It was a personal rejection to my full manuscript from one of the biggest agents in the business. Here is an excerpt for your reading pleasure. 


 "Dear K.


I think I am going to pass on your [Y.A. novel]. You are very good, no question. But I am thinking about what editors would say. The story takes too long to get going . . . It's a cool idea  But I am not sure it is fresh enough. The stuff in this book has been covered before in other books and [television] shows . . . But I would read something by you. You can write and create characters.  That's the hardest part. Now you need to move your stories along and have a clearer, unique concept.  Thanks for letting me see. It's borderline but I need to feel blown away these days.”


Here was my dilemma. When I received this email, I didn't have the reaction I was expecting. I was expecting immediate despair. But instead, I was completely awash with relief and it surprised me. 


All my life I wanted to be Josephine March in Little Women. I had no doubt that one day I would write a book and my life would be wonderful, perhaps even perfect. But the truth is I don't really like writing novels. I don't like the hours, I don't like the singleminded attention it requires. I don't like the way that it pulls me away from everything I do love and believe me I love a whole lot. I have a VERY rich full life. But at 35 years old, I realized I didn't have a plan B.


I had the tremendous opportunity to almost get what I thought I wanted and I got to see, really see, that what I really wanted all along was sitting right in front of me. When this letter arrived, A peace washed over me and I knew that I had been released. I was free to live whatever life I wanted, not the life I'd always planned that never went well for me, but my real life, the life God had planned for me. 


It was a stunner. It was wonderful and spiritual but also tremendously painful because at that moment I had to ask myself one of life's biggest questions. What next? 


If what I thought I always wanted wasn't want I wanted at all, then what did I really want? And how much crow would I have to eat to get it? 


The answer? I don't know. That's where I am now and I thought it might be fun to share a year of it with you and my other readers. I thought it might be a great learning experience. 


Because the truth is Mary, that for two years I used my novel as a way to escape reality. Because sometimes the doldrums of life get to me: the never ending laundry, persnickety neighbors, doctors appointments, the recession and countless stories of violence and wars can get pretty depressing. So like most American's I have plugged into the Feed. Whether it is a book, or blog, social network, movie, or a hot fudge brownie momentarily all those feelings disappear. 


But in the long run, I hate the feeling. I hate avoiding pain. 


Because I know that pain is an essential part of life, heck it's an essential part of our growth and existence. Isn't  that why we are here? Because our Heavenly Father knew in our premortal existence that we had developed as much as we could and the only way we could continue to grow was in mortality. And what is a one of most significant pieces of mortality? Pain. Pain and Sorrow and Pleasure and Joy. All of our experiences lead to growth. Without sorrow we can never experience joy! Without pain we can't know pleasure. They are inseparable. And essential in pairs to our growth and existence. 


I find it remarkable that most of life's greatest temptations are anchored in sorrow and pain avoidance: addictions, adultery, pornography, eating disorders (starving and binge eating), the list can go on for days. 


Please don't misunderstand me.  I am not an advocate for self flagellation. I like to avoid painful experiences as much as the next person. But I saw quite clearly that I was using the fantasy of novel writing the same way I used the fantasy of having the perfect body, or the same way I used EL Fudge cookies earlier in my life. I realized that if I needed any sort of pain avoidance to deal with reality then it was high time I fixed my reality. 


So what needed to be fixed exactly? 


Nothing. Not really. I just needed to learn how to deal with it. And here is what I have spent the past twenty plus years learning. If there is a weed in your yard that you don't like, ignoring it won't make it go away. Yes, I'm all for enjoying the beautiful flowers behind it, but really isn't life so much easier if we just get up off our duffs and pull it? 


Everything worth having, really having, in this life requires work (a.k.a. pain), like running for example. Running along a wild flower swept hill at sunrise is about as close to God and Joy as it gets but the actual act of getting there requires a certain level of physical pain. 


You know, before I started running all those years ago, I used to believe that there would come a time when running wouldn't be hard (painful). That one day it would be a breeze, no heavy breathing, or feet dragging, or exhaustion. But you know what? It still feels the same as it did the first time I stepped out the door, I just learned how to deal with the pain and that is where I've found the joy. The two go hand in hand. 


Now onto your comment about wallowing in the past. I can see how from your limited perspective of my life in blog it can seem that I am hyper-focused on past sorrows. But that is not what I am doing at all. I never dealt with some big, painful events in my life. I just tucked them away and decided to ignore them. Instead I went searching for happy things to make me feel better (pain avoidance). But if you leave dirty dishes in the sink eventually they are going to make the kitchen stink. Oh sure, starting on those dishes might make a bigger mess at first, but in the long run isn't clearing out the stench so much better? Basically, I am doing some emotional deep house cleaning. 


So why have I chosen to focus on food and my body image? I spend a lot of time working with youth, young women in particular. It turns out, I have something to offer them and what I love most, besides being a mom, is teaching and I've recently been doing a series of workshops for young women about body image and I have been astounded at how many of women don't like themselves. 


Actually, I have a pretty healthy self image (I'm still working on the emotional stuff). I take care of my body and I nourish it with healthy food, rest and exercise. I think I am very pretty. But some of the girls from these youth groups have contacted me recently and wanted to know how they can feel better about themselves. And some of those girls don't believe me when I tell them that even grown women have doubts about themselves. 


So I thought why don't I combine my experiences over the past year with the current obsession over body and food and share some real challenges that every women experiences. Because maybe if I had the guts to admit that sometimes I reconsider going to a party on a fat day, and want to delve into a quart of Breyers Grasshopper Pie Ice Cream when I hear on the news that a child is beaten to death by his parents, then maybe other women will come forward and admit that life isn't always easy for them either and instead of trying to tear each other down, or compete, or compare, we can to see that as women we are in this together. And that Satan wants to keep us so focused on pain and sorrow avoidance that we paralyze our ability to do some serious good. Heck, maybe even change the world. 


Yes, Mary, this has been a difficult year for me but also one of the very best. I feel closer to the Savior than I have in years. I have deeply feasted on the words of Christ and I am now seeing, really seeing who I am and who you are. And it is wonderful, and joyful and full of a promising future. 


I love you. And I am so grateful I've had the experience to watch you grow. I hope you stick around on my journey maybe we can learn a little about life together. 


(Dear Readers, Thank you for sticking through this incredibly long post. I feel I owe you a treat, like a melon berry salad or an enormous hug. Thank you for sticking with me. Mwah! With my deepest love. Kristi)