Giving Good Voice

 I've put my stories so far under my bed I think they've found their way to the garage where I was happy to let them stay. But now I'm teaching this *&%^&% literature class and it's forcing me to read again, no more than read, it's forcing me to examine words and their meaning. And it stirs things in me. Things I'd just assume go forgotten.

My life is back to the beginning. Everything I will do today will be what I did before I picked up a pen. Last year, I told my friend Melinda I wanted my prewriting life back with it's order and predicability. I was putting down the pen and going back to my old life. 

And she asked, "Do you think you can? Will you still be able to find satisfaction in it? At this point is it even possible to go back?" 

I really resented the question.

Of course I can. I know what I want! I want lazy picnics on the back lawn and an organized pantry. I want to frost sugar cookies and to make jam. I want to know what is going on in my kids lives, the names of their friends and the contents of their lockers. I want to decorate for the holidays and run errands. I want to sit quietly and listen when people speak to me and be there, not just in body. 

Because, woo boy, when I've got story on the brain there ain't nothing else going on behind my eyes. And I'm completely impotent in reality. Which doesn't really work with my life. As I write this very sentence my five year old is dangling around my neck, scooting to my lap, then to the floor and whining because she wants me to get off the friggen computer. 

So, I put the laptop away and go on with my day, the same kind of day I had three years ago. But different. Melinda might be right. Once the words are in our blood . . . 

they sort of make an impact.

Thanks SuzyT for the link. You are amazing. All of you should know Suzy. She is about the coolest woman I know. If I could be like any woman in the world it would be her. And I've known her since I was a wee lass, so this isn't just virtual love here. She's got this whole creative/parenting gig figured out. Oh, and she's the most awesome kind of spontaneous—the let's go to Maryland for dinner and eat blue crab kind of spontaneous (she lives in Florida)—she's so cool. She's an artist and writer and coolest chic ever. In fifteen years, I want to be like her.